Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
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