I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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