maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You are a genius and a whore.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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