They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
