Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize