It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
