There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
