I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I wear drunk well.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
