cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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