Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
