he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Princesses don't give blow jobs
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My ass is underappreciated
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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