You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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