I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
