Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
