One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
