well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
