she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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