wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
