I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
