Barsexuality is the new black.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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