The maid of honor just puked.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
