dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize