it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
