On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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