oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
