Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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