I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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