Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
