You smell like a Billy Joel song
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
