Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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