she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize