meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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