My friends, they love my intelligence
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
