Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
