see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
