I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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