Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
