I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
