We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
