The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
