ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
