you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
