no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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