I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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