Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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