if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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