So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize