cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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