I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
