I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize