We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
