I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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