I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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