I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize