I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
