My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
