yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
