a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
