What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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