I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize