we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
