hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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