Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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