So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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