I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
