If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I am midnight drunk by noon
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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