i'm signing you up for texting rehab
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
