You smell like a Billy Joel song
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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